Wednesday, April 01, 2009

April Fool's!


OK
So we get a phone call.
Killy and I are in the kitchen finishing our conversation about our upcoming Sooper Dooper Family Fun Time Vacation Extravaganza, a two week long excursion trecking across several of our great United States to culminate at the 50th Wedding Anniversary of my little old folks - that's right - FIFTY YEARS of marital bliss (and madness, if you read between the lines).
Then the phone rings, faintly, from another room, the sound reaching it's delicate tendrils almost as if from a dream or another world.
It's kind of a surprise in that Killy and I never,  and I mean never, get a phone call at this hour.
So Killy rushes to get the phone in a furious come-back-to-reality-from-a-state-of-disbelief motion and blurts out a general greeting, "Hello?"
He emerges from the bathroom a few seconds later with a happy, gleeful grin wrapped around his face.  He holds the phone out to me and announces, "It's for you, an April Fool's call, from Discover."
I'm game.
So I take the phone and say, "Hello?" with a half-expectant smile in my voice.
I spend the first thirty seconds listening intently to a young but gruff voice speaking in a rapid and kind of slurred pace. Killy has walked away for a minute but comes back to find me still sitting there, with a crazed open faced smile frozen on my lips. His expectation dissolves into confusion and he gesticulates for clarification.
I have yet to identify the voice, so I say to this person, "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"
The voice is raspy and thick, like phlegm is bubbling about in the back of the throat, but he repeats, word for word, his lines.
Killy now asks aloud, "Who is it?"
I pull the phone away from my ear and reply audibly, "It's Discover card trying to sell me something."
Putting the phone back to my ear, I listen to the voice for a few seconds and make out only three words distinctly, "...to you Miss CarolEYEnah?"
I attempt to hide my confusion with a simple reply, "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"
By now, Killy is explaining to me that he thought the phone call was a prank by someone I knew, perhaps my brother...?
I have not identified the voice and am only half convinced that this is a real Discover Card telemarketing call, so when the voice concludes with his, "Does this sound OK to you Miss CarolEYEnah?", I am amused, and ask, "I'm sorry, could you please repeat that?"
The third time is the charm it seems, the voice reads the script to me again, this time more deliberately and with exaggerated enunciation repeating an offer made in case I am unable to make the minimum payment and yadda yadda yadda...
Now I am certain I don't recognize the voice, although for a few tense seconds, when Killy was apologetically justifying his mistaken April Fool's theory, I did believe it was Colin's voice on the line. I had ruled out Todd's voice by this time because it is very much like Killy's in tone, but distinctive in it's inflection and it most certainly was not my brother's voice.
So I started to pay closer attention to the voice realizing I could unwittingly sign myself up for something if I wasn't careful.
So when the voice used the words, "Does this sound OK to you Miss CarolEYEnah?"
My response was deliberate, "I am not interested."
The voice was quick, "I am not asking for you to be interested, I am..." and back to the pitch.
This was not going to be easy.
I waited for a breathe pause and inserted, "I am so sorry you called me on April Fool's, I thought this was a joke and that is the only reason I listened to you, I am not interested, thank you."
Again, the voice is persistent, "Discover Card does not joke around Miss CarolEYEnah. I am offering you the opportunity to..." and slides back into the pitch concluding with the "Does this sound OK to you Miss CarolEYEnah?"
I have now identified the key words, sound OK, and make a mental note to NOT USE THE WORD OK in this conversation.
I say, "No."
The voice, "I am not trying to sell you something, I am offering you the opportunity to look over..."
(opportunity, another key word)
Me, "I do not want the opportunity."
The voice, "You are being offered an opportunity to review..."
Me, "I do not want the opportunity, I am not interested."
The voice, "This is just a chance to look at..."
Me, "I do not want the chance, nor the opportunity."
The voice, "...review the possibility that you are unable to make your monthly payments..."
Me, "No."
The voice, "This is an opportunity only, you are not obligated to buy any..."
Me, "Nope."
The voice, "This is a courtesy call offering you the..."
Me, "No, nope, nope, no."
The voice, "Thank you very much ma'am...click...................."
This is the first time I have ever been hung up on by a telemarketer.
It was the best joke ever.

1 comment:

colin said...

Sweet!
I wish I had thought of that.
April fools day slipped past out here in Portland without the slightest mention. I called home to check in and Chella busted a good ole April fools joke on me.

Thanks god for the unjaded and unpreoccupied youth.