Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Fear of Life

Adolfo Fidel Chavez IV by killy
Adolfo Fidel Chavez IV, a photo by killy on Flickr.
i am scared of life. so much so that i don't do anything. ideas that spark to life in my head are quickly extinguished by fear. fear of the unknown, fear of failure. i have become afraid of people. i have become afraid of interacting. when i am in the world, i don't engage. today as i walked to lunch on a sidewalk, i looked at no one. i rarely talk to anyone and when i do it's in a very superficial way and i hate it. I hate words as they come out of my mouth because they taste as if they've been run through a filter.

I am plagued with self-doubt and loathing. it is something that i can't get past. i focus on those things which i have failed at and this paralyzes me. it is a poison in my mind that breeds ignorance. i can't bring my limbs to move once i am home. I retreat into my head, sit and i stare and i think, trying to think myself out of this state of mind and i cannot.

Here is another portrait of adolfo made after a day of errands. I photograph my children because i am too scared to photograph anyone else.